Groucho Marx Quotes

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Humor is reason gone mad.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn’t educate America if they started at 6:30.

If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.

I’m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it’s not raining.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.

My favourite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.